Keeping Up with the Jonzee

Naw...you still at the right spot.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

So, I lied

I said I was going to not talk about it. But its weighing so heavy on my mind. I am passed the sad phase, and I am almost passed the "conjecture/guessing" phase. But now I am entering the "mad as hell phase".

You want to know why I'm mad? Let me tell you why I am mad?

See, this the thing, long distance has in no way been easy on me. I have never been faithful. Ever. Every dude I ever dated, when they started to get on my nerves, or I was getting bored, or I simply didn't feel like being bothered(but didn't want to be alone either), I always had someone on the side--an ex, a bootie call, a friend who I knew was trying to get it.

But not him. I even turned down the advances of the "sort-of-ex 7 years of bullshit" dude. Not once but twice. So, see I made progress in the name of love.

I live 200 miles away and could do whatever the hell I want and he would be none the wiser. But I have not.

I have thought about ending it on many occassions. Not because I don't love him, but because long distance is a bitch. But, I was never afraid to talk about it. I was never afraid to say this sucks big time.

But you don't just get to shut down cause you can't deal. That, right there is bullshit. Especially after all we have done with and for each other. Its bullshit.

Perhaps, it could have been fixed. Perhaps, it could have been more visits not less. Shit, Bmore and Jersey aint that far. But it can't be when you think you have the right to stop communicating.

I deserve more. I deserve the conversation. From what I have known from him, he is a man of his word. But then again maybe I don't--and this conversation will never actually occur.

But like I said before, the game ain't changed and the 80/20 rule still applies. So, I hope whoever the chick is she is doing it for him better than I clearly could.

Now. There. I am done.

4 Comments:

  • At 11:14 AM, Blogger La said…

    *sigh* :-(

    A long time ago me and the SO had a really long convo about the distance we had to deal with. This being my 3rd LDR (back to back no less because I am a masochist) I like to consider myself a semi expert in the area (having previously navigated DC to Iraq and Alaska for a year). The thing we settled on was this: communication, open, honest, no matter how uncomfortable it gets or how painful, is the only thing that sustains any relationship, but especially ones that cannot be sustained by proximity alone. Distance is a condition. Meaning it's conditional and can change. It's not a good enough reason to give up. That was our promise, and continues to be.

    Most days, even when everything is great, it's hard. But we work, because we are invested. It's harder to communicate when you don't have the added insulation of typical daily contact. It takes over and above even over and above.

    The issue of course, is you can't inspire someone to be over and above.

    I wanna fix it and make it better (because that's what I do) but instead I'll just say you're not alone. Even if you got the plague ;-)

     
  • At 9:09 AM, Blogger nikki said…

    as someone who's actually contemplating doing the long distance thing (atlanta to chi-town) this entry proves to be both timely and disheartening. timely because it gives me things to consider when embarking on my own ldr, disheartening because yours didn't work out.

    however, i'm glad you got it off of your chest though. hopefully you feel better.

    do you think you'd ever do it again?

     
  • At 3:05 PM, Blogger Jonzee said…

    Perhaps...but I thought this seemingly supportive dude was worth it... and I guess he was not.

     
  • At 11:02 PM, Blogger IntrospectiveGoddess said…

    You alluded to another female, sadly I can relate..tried to do the LDR thing and it did not work for various reasons...and he was not a man of his word....I dont think he has never had a sidepiece...ah well...here's hoping you have stronger days ahead.

     

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