Skillz

I am pretty sure I understand now. At first I thought I was doing something like being way too cool. I thought I was screwing up--and I probably done a little screwing up by aiding and and abeting the foolishness of this thing. I think it simply has boiled down to mixed signals on both of our parts. But I started it.

You see. I am an absolute and total control freak when it comes to folks playing with my emotions. It took me a long time to admit that I purposely chose dudes who I could dominate. I appeared to be so giving (and I was but not as much as I can) but at the end of the day it was more about knowing that I was running them--and in alot of instances someone to be pissed at or cuddle with. I have totally opened my heart one time--and it was ridiculous. We were the ambiguously in love couple for a real long time. Lots of drama. Lots of good times. But alas. He is with someone else--like he probably should be (Her self esteem is so low--she'll never leave.) And as much as he has matured is as much as he has stayed the same. When I let that go...along came the teacher. And lawd knows I like him more than I would like to.

But what he is saying, verbally and non-verbally I don't often get. What I am saying is I don't like to be vulnerable and have the shield erect. So what does that equal? That equals two folks who might be speaking the same language in a quite different dialect.

The brother has made me ridiculously nervous. I'm talking "oh my goodness! Here he comes! Is my hair/outfit/smile good?" I have actually walked in a room, seen him, and ignored him out of sheer nervous and need to not let him think I am sweating him. When I am home, we see each other everyday. I call. He invites me out. We hang at his bar. We hang at other bars. We feel strangly familiar with one another. And every meeting starts off with some awkwardness. And both of us do a lot of staring/not staring at each other across the room. What in the hell is that.

Case in point. Friday of New Years Eve weekend, I call him to hang out and he informs me that one of his girls is having a b-day party and he was inviting me to go if I was interested. So we roll up o Bujhettos (yes, it does sound like you think it does). We stand around in silence making somewhat awkard conversation. I'm being funny--at least I think I am and I feel like we are making small talk at some event in which we are forced to speak to one another. Then, all the sudden, he leans down whispers in my ear "I think it is time for us to hit the dance floor and see what you got." And off we go. We dance together like we been dancing for ever. We joke about the wack ass DJ and th weak reggae rotation that is always the same couple of songs in C-town. We keep it for about 6 songs and the wackness gets unbearable. We step off. He goes off to the bathroom and the bar to get me a beverage. When he comes back some dude has started chatting me up about his possible job in NYC--he has no interest in me but the convo is cool. I see him look at me. I look back...

And I keep talking to dude. The teacher goes to get the b-day girl and shakes leg. So I keep talking. Then, the ubiqutous Cleveland slow jam set comes on. I dont even notice, until I look up and he is out on the floor with a fine lady. I see him looking my way as he twirls chica around on the floor (did I mention he can dance his tail off) I keep talking. By the second song--I'm thinking I should cut in. But thats an iffy situation with sistahs in C-town so...I wait.

Songs end. He disappears to the bar. Comes back with another drink for me. Hands it to me. And walks off. At this point--I'm just a dumb ass right? He walks around the entire place to come to my other side, where this dude is not standing, and tell me that he is ready to go but doesn't want to cramp my style. And I say, " you are not cramping anything I came with you." Probably the smartest thing I said all night. Let the over-analysis begin.

After we get back around our way, we say goodnight, hugs and kisses. I joke with him about why he didn't ask me to slow dance and ask should I call you when I come back at the end of the month...because if one thing is clear the distance between NYC and CLE is an issue.

I did not hear is response as he walked to his car. My radio was too loud.