Keeping Up with the Jonzee still at the right spot.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

What's the purpose?

I have been trying to write a post for this blog for over a week. After sparking a debate in one of the yahoo! groups I am in regarding Michael Vick and various and a sundry other professional black athletes, I decided I would blog about it.

That post is still a draft. And it has changed direction, content, and points each time I visited it to try to finish it.

See, I really don't want to write. When things are pretty good--or at least normal blogging about whatever seems easy. I try to follow the "no planned posts" rule that a number of my blogger friends live by. For the most part I have lived by that rule as well. But lately, even the unplanned posts, seem to have absconded with my ability to post something remotely interesting.

Things are not necessarily so good now. I know some would say I should feel otherwise. I am quite well aware of my blessings, my achievements, and my journey to be where I am today. But I cannot help, as of late, to feel anything more than a great sense of misdirected failure.

I am thinking its time to see someone--of the professional vein. Maybe I am just to hard on myself. But it is making it quite hard for me to focus. What I do know is this:

1) My job is not challenging at all. I sit here most of the time. It'll look good on my res and the schedule is pretty flexible, but otherwise I'm just an analyst too far away from the community development aspects of the deal who barely has anything to do. (Oh and I did I mention, I am not paid that well either)

2) I need and want to move. I really, really, really want to move to Atlanta. Always wanted to live there. DC is my default because via reflection I have come to accept that DC was home--very much so.

3) I am applying to law school now, right now. My professors have asked me why I want to go? What do I think that I will get out of it? They are my favorites and they think it is a waste. I don't. Law school has always been a very personal goal for me. I want it. I want the flexibility the degree allows. I want to be able to do many things that a JD makes possible. I'ma stop listening to what others think and apply. Shit, I can always defer. Or even not go. But I'd rather have the option than not.

4) Clearly, it is easier to make my points in bullet. I'm going to try to cut that shit out.

Back to seriousness.

I still think, even though I have made it around to figuring that much out, that I need to go see someone. I remember when folks of color would dismiss the value of a mental health professional. And I have had my reservations too. But honestly, I can't keep having panic attacks. I can't keep breaking out in hives or not being able to motivate myself to leave the house. Professional help and prayer and I think I can figure it all out and be myself--on a regular basis again.


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